Archive for Defy the Box

I’m trying out something new today!

I thought it would be cool to share the stories of some real people who are defying the box to create their own version of a Kick-Ass Life.

If you all like this I’ll do it again…..so please be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments below. There will be potential prizes for you if you do.

Meet Fiona Leonard. I first met Fiona in a Law of Attraction  program that I was part of  about 5 years ago. She had just sold all of her belongings and was setting out to travel across America with her family. She is a fine example of someone who is blazing their own trial.

Fiona is a storyteller and storyseller whose diplomatic background provides the perfect skill set for writing about the world, talking her way out of difficult situations and inspiring people to read what she has written. Her wanderlust has taken her across 20 countries on four continents. She now lives, loves, writes and home schools in Ghana, West Africa, while plotting ways to travel some more.
After years of doing every other sort of writing, Fiona has finally returned to crafting novels – it has proved to be a joyous reunion.

How do you Defy the Box?

Over the last few years I’ve climbed out of a lot of boxes.

Career: I’m self-publishing my second novel as an e-book having decided to forego the traditional publishing route.

Culture: I’m an Australian writer married to a Ghanaian/Filippino photographer, living in Ghana, West Africa. We married while we were both living in Zimbabwe.

Education: I have a ten year old daughter whom I have home schooled for two and a half years.

Stuff: In 2009 we sold up our house and car and put everything in storage and left Australia to spend a year travelling across the US and Canada. At the end of the year we moved to Ghana where we live with my in-laws. If we had to move again tomorrow I think we could fit all our possessions in a car. (And if we threw away all my husband’s photography gear and my daughter’s art supplies, it would probably fit in a suitcase!)

Oh, and I’m also a vegetarian!

Have you always lived an unconventional life?

This question made me laugh out loud! No! Absolutely not.

From a career perspective it’s all been pretty mainstream – I went to a good school, was VERY well behaved, got good grades, went to university, got a job with the Australian foreign service and was a bureaucrat for ten years. After that I spent five years working as a consultant in foreign and trade policy. But I think the unconventional yearnings have been there for a while.  We lived in five different houses in ten years (in the same town) so I think you’d have to suspect there was an urge for something different. When I finally jumped I did it in a big way.

What made you take that leap?

This question reminds me of hearing Alanis Morissette talk about winning the Best New Artist Grammy after ten years of gigging and hard work. While there were a number of catalysts - a very dear friend dying of cancer in her 60s, holding a girlfriend’s nine month old son the night before he died, standing under the clothesline and looking up and thinking “Is this it?” - there were also years of inner work, of reading inspirational writers, listening to podcasts, participating in conference calls and diligently journaling day after day.

Why do we take any leap? Because in that moment a lifetime of experiences converge, a good idea is infused with a healthy shot of courage and suddenly you’re airborne.

What does your Kick-Ass Life look like?

I decide where I work, when I work and what I work on. Sometimes that’s a blissful experience; sometimes it’s juggling a lot of balls and wondering how to hold it together. It’s  knowing that I’m living a life I’ve actively chosen and one that’s heading me in the direction of where I want to be.

What were the biggest pre-packaged beliefs that you needed to break free of in order to start living it?

There were three main beliefs I needed to move beyond (note: this is still a work in progress):

1.“Lots of people do it that way so it must be right” – When everyone else is doing something a particular way (especially friends and family) it’s hard to stop and say – But I don’t want to do it that way! or But that way just doesn’t work for me!

2.“If you’re not making money you’re not successful” – I have tended to fall into the trap of judging my success by how much money I’m making (or not making) at the time.

3.  “Accepting generosity is a sign of weakness” – Asking for help and accepting help is not something I’ve ever been good at.  I think that has been exacerbated by my recent lifestyle choices – maybe something akin to “you’ve made your bed now you have to sleep in it.”

What are the biggest challenges that you have faced due to living such an unconventional life?

Knowing where to start is always a challenge. Doing what everyone else is doing is much easier because there’s a road map and you can just follow the rules. When you’re doing something unconventional you’re the one making up the rules. Even if there’s lots of information available (I do a lot of research) you always reach a point where you realize you’re just going to have to make it up as you go along.

Holding my nerve is the other big challenge. For example, it’s one thing to really believe that travel is a great thing for your child, but when it’s the middle of the night and she’s crying and saying ‘I want to go home!’ it tears at your heart. At times like those I really need to come back to my most fundamental values and decide whether how I’m living is in alignment with the sort of person I want to be. I can’t tell my child that she should live a passionate, honest life if I don’t live that way myself.

Writing is very much like that. It’s easier to see how I could be making money writing articles for newspapers and magazines but I really don’t enjoy it, whereas writing novels makes me blissfully happy. When I’m plotting or writing, my mind is going at a hundred miles an hour: I wake in the middle of the night with ideas and I long for the time when I can sit down and write. I never, ever feel that way when I’m writing articles or reports. So I just have to trust that I’m on the right path.

Tell us about your book!

My novel, The Chicken Thief, is set in southern Africa and narrated by Alois, a young chicken thief who wants nothing more than to steal his quota of chickens and go home to bed.  But accidents happen and almost before he knows it, he finds himself at the centre of a struggle to rescue a war hero and transform the political landscape. In shouldering another man’s mission, Alois discovers strengths he never knew he had. The result may topple, not just enemies, but an entire government. And it will change Alois forever.

Where do you get your inspiration from for your writing?

While I do mentally file away bits and pieces I see or hear, a lot of the time, I would have to say I have absolutely no idea, which is one of the things I love about writing. I will often start off with a single idea and then just build out from there. When I’m plotting I ask a lot of questions. I tend to think of my characters as real people and interrogate them – “why are you doing this? what’s your family like? do you have a sister?” and then just play around with the ideas that pop into my head. I then go over the details to make sure they fit logically into the story. In the past I’ve been a very impatient writer – I always want to just get to the writing part. With this novel though I spent three months on the plotting, writing notes on the characters, drawing continuity grids to work out the timing and fleshing out some back stories. That sounds very organized and structured, but in reality it was just me in a chair with a notebook and a pencil scribbling furiously! Having a substantial plot/plan made the writing stage a lot easier.

One of my favorite moments in writing is when I’m typing quickly (I write about 1,000 words an hour) and all of a sudden one of the characters says something unexpected. That sounds odd because they’re my characters right? But somehow it happens. I had one moment with this novel where a character blurted something out which was perfectly logical, and sounded good, but then messed up all my subsequent plotting. It took me two days to sort out the rewrites to make it fit.

What advice would you give to someone who was interested in publishing a book?

I’d pass on a fabulous quote I read recently: “What do you call a writer who persists? Published.”

I think it’s crucial that writers ask themselves what they want from their writing – not, what does Dan Brown want from his writing, but what do you want? Do you want to make money? Do you want to see your ideas on paper? Do you want someone to read what you’ve written? Do you want to leave a legacy? Preserve a particular story? Pass on advice? Inspire people? It may be a combination of those answers, but how you proceed will depend on what you want.

And I would add that you shouldn’t be afraid or embarrassed by being honest about what you want. Some people just need to write – getting published is an added bonus. Some people may want to just record a bit of family history that will only be relevant to a few people. While I love writing, there needs to be a point to it all. I get very discouraged if I write something and then it languishes in a drawer. I want to write, I want to be read, and I want to inspire other people to write and publish.

OK…here is where the prizes come in……

Fiona has offered to give away copies of her fabulous new book to three lucky readers.  All you need to do is take a minute to write a comment saying how you are inspired by this post. On Thursday we will randomly select three lucky winners to receive a digital version of the book that you can use on your kindle or your computer.  We will post the winners on Friday morning.

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Nov
29

Start Looking For what Feels Good!

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I am fresh back from an awesome long weekend spent engaging in pleasurable pursuits and I am really looking forward to doing My Kick-Ass Dream Life this afternoon at 3 PM EST. We are going to be continuing the conversation around some of my favorite subjects- owning pleasure and committing to feeling good.

Last week on the show we had a fantastic discussion about the importance of making a commitment to feeling good and understanding your relationship to pleasure. It all comes down to this- a Kick-Ass Life= Feeling Good. We want you to CLAIM your right to feel good in your life and commit to doing it by making it your top priority.

So why is this commitment so difficult to make?

It seems like so many people are committed to seeing all their own flaws and where things aren’t working for them but they get stuck around making a commitment to feeling good and noticing all the things that are awesome about themselves and their lives. It somehow seems easier to keep yourself small and insignificant than look for your greatness.

How do you empower yourself to let the goodness in and give yourself permission to feel good?

Last week on MKADL we talked about the first step- Claim it for yourself and give yourself permission to feel good and enjoy pleasure.

This week we will discuss the second step-Start looking for all the things that feel good to you, give you pleasure, and what you want more of. It is all there right in front of you waiting to be discovered. The thing is that we are not really taught to look for it. We are taught to look for the potential problems, and what isn’t working, and what you don’t like. Aren’t those things easy to find!

Interestingly enough, there are plenty of awesome, amazing things that feel good for you to find as well, once you shift your focus and start looking for them.

Try it! Make the commitment to look for the things that feel good to you for 1 week and let me know what happens in the comments below!

Want to listen to the show?  Click this link and you can listen in: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/my-kick-ass-dream-life-/2010/11/29/nothing-is-more-important-than-that-i-feel-good-start-looking-for-it-1

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Another Monday on deck and I am looking forward to doing my new online radio show, My Kick-Ass Dream Life, this afternoon at 3 PM. The fact that I actually like Monday’s is a wonderful thing, and now that I am doing this show it makes them all the sweeter.

Today we will be talking about discovering your own version of kick-ass. It looks different for everyone and it is important to do a bit of soul searching to discover what will make you feel alive, excited, successful and complete.

There are so many possibilities out there for a non-conforming soul to consider once you’ve broken free from the mainstream mentality.

For example, how do you want to feel in your relationships? Do you prefer to have only one partner, or would you rather have many? Do you want children, or would you rather not be a parent? Do you prefer to live together, or maintain separate homes and lifestyles? All of these things are possible. The best part is that you get to choose which serves you best.

No one is judging you here. I want you to do what is right for you and allows you to feel the freedom and satisfaction that you desire in your life.

Maybe that freedom & satisfaction comes in the form of a monogamous heterosexual relationship where you are married and live in a nice house with a white picket fence and have two kids.

Or just maybe that freedom and satisfaction comes in the form of a polyamorous relationship with a few different men and women where you share a home with your primary female partner and children while spending time with your male partner at his apartment, and enjoying dates with other love interests.

It’s all good here, and I want to empower you to discover what works best for you.

So if you want to get in on the conversation click this link and you will be directed to the show page.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/my-kick-ass-dream-life-/2010/09/20/discover-your-own-version-of-kick-ass

No worries if you missed the live show. You can listen to the podcast by clicking the same link when ever works for you.

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The past few days I have been caught up in an ongoing mental swirl around whether or not I should tone down my message and the way I deliver it.

Why was I considering this?

In order to appeal to a broader audience.

In order to be more accessible.

In order not to offend people.

I was offered the opportunity to host Defy the Box Radio to a much larger audience than I am now. A well established website for women contacted me and said they were interested in my edgy perspective and the Defy the Box message was appealing to them. When I checked out the site and the other shows they offered I liked what I saw, but thought that they might be a bit too ‘vanillia’ for me. I suggested that they check out the past episodes of my show to see if they thought I would be a good fit. When we spoke again I was told that they liked my message and would love to have me, but I would need to tone things down a bit so that I do not offend anyone on the site.

MMMMM…….tone down my message, huh?

My first reaction was NO WAY, but then I started questioning myself.

I do want to expand my audience, and I am doing my best to expand my business.

Am I missing out on an opportunity by saying no?? Am I being a responsible business owner ?

Just thinking about toning myself down makes me feel restricted and unsettled. It makes me doubt myself.

This is not the way I want to feel.

When it comes right down to it, I do not like the idea of restricting myself in any way. The idea of toning down my message and my delivery of it is not appealing at all.
What I am really being asked to do is to adjust my behavior so that I ‘fit in’ to a particular box.

And I have to acknowledge that I was almost buying into the story that says you need to tone yourself down in order to appeal to a large audience, and offending people is bad. I was starting to flip – flop and was beginning to think that maybe it was a good idea to tone things down a bit so that I would be more accessible to the mainstream.

Then I called my friend Kelle and had a great conversation about speaking in your authentic voice, and who I really wanted to reach out to, and was I actually going to miss out on an opportunity here?  Kelle is really good at helping me stay on track, and she reminded me that if you are not offending someone…you are not doing your job right. Thanks Kelle!

I mean, look at Howard Stern. Many people find him obnoxious and offensive but they still listen. He has a strong voice and perspective and is not afraid to stand out. His audience loves him.

When it comes right down to it, my ‘toning it down’ would not be in alignment with the message of Defy the Box.

What kind of example would I be if I was not letting my freak flag fly high and proud?

The reality is that I am a rabble rouser.

I am intentionally trying to stir things up, and make people question the ideas and beliefs that they have been living by.

That can be very offensive to many people.

It makes them uncomfortable. In response to the discomfort, they make me, or my message, wrong rather than looking inside themselves to discover the real reason they are feeling uncomfortable. ( It’s not really about me at all.)
It’s OK…I do my best not to take this personally. ;-)

So…do I tone things down???

NO WAY!

Wheww….that feels so much better.

Categories : Stretching Yourself
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May
23

Conformity Thwarts You The Most

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Everyone doesn’t have to be the same. Most say,”Well, it’s so much easier if we’re all the same.” And we say, it is not easier when you’re all the same; conformity is the thing that thwarts you most. That massive wanting to get you to conform – to all think the same way and want the same things – is what is causing the revolt that is happening within you. You are determined to be freedom-seekers in a Mass Consciousness society that is determined to make you the same.

— Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Asheville, NC on Saturday, October 25th, 2003

Categories : Stretching Yourself
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